On a Life that Could Have Been

Lately, I have struggled so hard with some things in my married life. Mostly with my health and my journey to motherhood. I have written about this on my Facebook page and Instagram, this is just a longer version of my posts. LOL
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Okay, so some of you may not know about this but before Tim, I have been off a committed relationship for exactly four years. My last boyfriend wanted to have kids back then but I was too young, and the thought scared me. I guess one of the reasons we broke up was that I couldn't get myself to commit to him that seriously. After that, I have lived such a different life from what I have now and I have always told people that I don’t want kids for some reason.

I mean, don't get me wrong, okay? I love kids! I enjoy teaching them (I am a teacher by profession by the way), I love playing with them, pinching them on the cheeks, or lightly biting their cheeks, arms, and legs with my lips hahaha! I'm a sucker for kids but I never wanted to have them. I wasn't in any place to want to have them. I loved the idea that I could play with them and just give them back to their parents the moment they start crying or when I'm tired of playing with them. Haha! Okay, that may have sounded a little selfish, right? But that was me before.

Tim changed that gradually. Not because he wanted kids and wanted me to want the same thing, but by respecting my views and decisions I eventually came around the idea of having children of my own and I embraced that. However, a few months after Tim and I got married I learned that motherhood is a journey that isn’t going to be easy for me. I have been diagnosed with a couple of things I will not elaborate on them more. I do have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Endometriosis which makes my red days extra painful than most people. Basically, those conditions make it a little more difficult for us to have a baby. Well, for me at least.

Honestly, those diagnoses brought along a series of medications and an emotional toll on me. I became frustrated and angry at myself and there are times that everything would just become too overwhelming that I would lash out on Tim in the most terrible ways. However, he was nothing but understanding and supportive all throughout.

It became even more frustrating to me when my dad died last December. I have always pictured my dad and my mom playing with Tim and I's baby in the distant future, even after my diagnoses, I tried so hard to keep my hopes up. After all, my dad walked me down the altar during my wedding, a huge part of me believed that he would be with us till like my unborn children are in college or something like that. So when he passed suddenly last year, I was crushed.

I was crushed but I couldn't show it. I was crying in the bathroom the morning after he died, away from my husband's sight. And that afternoon, when the mortician asked me to check on dad before they take him to the chapel where his wake will be held, I cried. Away from everybody because I don't want them to see me so crushed and hurt because I have always been the strongest person in the family. Apart from that, dad isn't my biological father. He's my step-dad, so the anxiety kicks in and the paranoia that people might think I'm being overly dramatic or just simply trying to seek attention in public when I cry overwhelms me. I didn't even want to give a eulogy because I didn't want to take that out of my sisters' spotlight. But when I finally did (cause people forced me to) I couldn't keep it together for more than a minute so I had to cut my eulogy shorter than I planned.

Even more so when Tim and I thought that our dreams are finally coming true... the excitement and the talk of fun and exhilarating possibilities kept us on cloud nine. You know, we kinda fantasized and joked about our baby, until the sad, cold reality pulls us down to the ground and it hurts—so bad, I can never find the words to express exactly how painful it is to find out that what you wanted just slipped right through your fingers.

These things have been trying to eat me off for weeks now, and recent events about Tim and I's journey to parenthood just added to it. I have been meaning to write about all those here weeks ago since this blog's purpose for me is to not only share my good experiences after all. Contrary to what most of you probably think, I own this blog and I write because it helps me with my anxiety and depression and not just to gain social media followers. Trust me, I don't usually collab with other bloggers for a giveaway nor have I been active on my old blog's social media pages.

I guess I was just not ready to face all these things back then that I couldn't even write about it. I have drafted several posts but I couldn't get myself to finish a couple of sentences. It was indeed a hard time for me, even for Tim.

But we know that this is not the end of our journey, it’s just starting and although it will be more frustrating and painful (I expect it), we’ll make sure and do our best to get through every challenge that has yet come our way. All through the glory of the Lord. 💕☀️

🌸Jeremiah 29:11🌸 -- ito ung verse na patuloy kong naalala lately. Kayo, anong biggest challenge ninyo lately?